Effective Practices for Resolving Differences of Opinion:
From Lose-Lose to Win-Win with RESPECT

By Laura Wilson, from The National Skills Development Center: Home-Based Care and Independent Living

FALL 1997 - (archived information - please note the date of publication)

National service members work in a variety of situations and interact with a multitude of personality "types," sometimes creating less than a perfect fit. Wherever your members work, there are times when conflicts will arise. This is very true in the home-based care area, where recipients may feel uncomfortable physically and become irritated and impatient.

The usual way conflicts play themselves out is for people to argue their points of view over and over again in an attempt to have others finally agree with them and provide them with what they seek. When this occurs, most often the best "arguer" will get what he or she wants, but not necessarily what he or she needs. The following dialogue illustrates this sort of confrontation, where it becomes a lose-lose outcome.

Miguel is an AmeriCorps member who provides home-based care for Annie. On one particular visit, the conversation sounds like this:

Annie: You're late. I need someone I can depend on. I can't depend on you. Go, and I never want to see you again!

Miguel: You have some nerve! I help you so much and treat you nicely, and just because I get caught in traffic and am a few minutes late, you kick me out of your house?

Annie: That's right. I can't depend on you. You're unreliable.

Miguel: Well, if you're going to be so unreasonable and unappreciative, I don't want to be around here to help you anyway. I'm out of here, and I won't be back!

In this case, Annie may get what she wants--Miguel is not longer providing care for her anymore--but not what she needs--someone who she can give assistance to her and with whom she can also develop a friendly relationship. Both Annie and Miguel lose when their conflict is resolved in this manner--Annie loses a friend and Miguel loses someone to assist.

How to Get to Win-Win

RESPECT:
The conflict resolution technique allows both sides to win and also get what they need. It includes the following steps:

• Recognize:
  that there is a difference of opinion.
• Eliminate:
  from your mind any thought of what you want for the time being. You'll get back to it later.
• Scan:
  and listen to what is being communicated by the other person in words and feelings.
• Paraphrase:
  what was communicated in words and state the feelings you believe the other person is experiencing.
• Express:
  what you want and describe your reasons for wanting it.
• Collect:
  several alternative solutions.
• Try:
  the best of the alternative solutions.

Returning to the conflict between Annie and Miguel using the RESPECT technique, their conversation might have gone something like this:

Annie: You're late. I need someone I can depend on. I can't depend on you. Go, and I never want to see you again!

Miguel: (Recognizes there is a conflict, eliminates thoughts of what he wants, scans and listens to Annie and paraphrases her words and feelings.) You seem particularly upset with me. It's important for you to be able to rely on me, isn't it?

Annie: Of course it is. I need your help and need to know you will be there when I need it.

Miguel: (Expresses his position.) I also want you to feel you can rely on me. Today I got stuck in a traffic jam. Sometimes there are unforeseen situations that develop. I need you to be more understanding. (Collects alternative solutions.) However, knowing how important is it to you that I be on time, I will try to leave earlier than I usually do so that if traffic delays me, I'll still be here on time. Are there any other things we might try to prevent a reoccurrence of this situation?

Annie: Well, I guess I can start to get things ready for your visit while waiting if you are a little late. Or, I can call you to see if you are already on your way.

Miguel: (Tries alternative solutions.) Those sound like good ideas. Let's try a couple of them. I will try to leave a little early and you start to get things ready if I am a little late. I enjoy assisting you and want that to continue, and I want you to feel you can rely on me. I think of you as a friend.

Annie: Thank you. You are a friend, and I know I can rely on you. Now, let's get on with it.

Share the RESPECT technique with your AmeriCorps members. They may be able to reach new understandings with those they provide service to, and learn how to interact positively in difficult encounters.